


Baby Pictures

by lls_mutant



Category: Battlestar Galactica (new)
Genre: Babyfic, Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-02
Updated: 2010-05-02
Packaged: 2017-10-09 06:32:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,282
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/84085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lls_mutant/pseuds/lls_mutant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Roslin asks Gaeta and Hoshi to be her poster boys for the in vitro fertilization program.  They're not happy about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Baby Pictures

**Author's Note:**

> Crack, yes, male pregnancy, NO. Also, I declined to use the ratings, but there is no sex or violence.

"You want us to WHAT?" Felix said, gaping.

"You've GOT to be joking," Louis sputtered.

"Believe me, gentlemen, I'm not joking." Roslin was seated at her desk, smooth and impeccable and just the tiniest hint of a smile tugging at the edge of her lips. The Admiral stood behind her, gazing at his two officers from under lowered brows. "We have not yet found Earth, but we need people to start thinking about the future if the human race is going to survive."

"But… but…" Louis and Felix exchanged glances.

Roslin arched an eyebrow at them. "I've consulted with several people: sociologists, anthropologists, doctors… even Gaius Baltar."

"You really _are_ desperate," Felix muttered, but shut up after Adama glared at him.

"They all say the same thing. If we want humanity to continue, not only are babies essential, but the largest variety of DNA possible is imperative. We need everyone who is capable to reproduce. _Everyone_."

Louis choked, and Adama shifted.

"Do you have something to say, Mr. Hoshi?"

"A baby?" Louis said in a strangled voice.

"Yes, a baby. The hope of humanity. The faces of our future. A _baby_." Roslin was losing her patience. "I want the two of you to hold the baby, sit there and look like a happy, loving, hopeful family while they take your picture, and then your job is done. We are not asking you to have a baby. We are not asking you- at this time- to provide genetic material for a baby. But we are asking you, and if necessary, _ordering_ you, to help us with this campaign for in vitro fertilization."

Louis was still coughing. Felix took a risk and put a hand on his back, soothing. "Why us?" he asked. "There's no way we're the only homosexual couple in the Fleet."

"We're also featuring a lesbian couple and a much older couple," Roslin said.

"That doesn't answer the question. Why us? We've only been together for a few months and no one- how _did_ you know?" Felix asked, turning to Adama.

"I have my sources," Adama said, his mouth twitching to something like a smirk. "And while I appreciate that you've been discreet in the CIC, your rackmates have noticed.

"Dee," both of them sighed. Adama ignored it.

Louis rallied. "Look, we're not trying to be difficult, but Felix is right. We haven't been together that long. It's not like we're looking to raise a family… right now," he added, with a furtive look at Felix, who jerked into a deer-in-the-headlights sort of look. "I mean, _we_ don't even know what we want or if we're going to stay together long term, and you're asking us to pretend we're a happy family for the Fleet?"

"That's exactly what I'm asking," Roslin said. "The crew on the _Galactica_ isn't expected to join the repopulating efforts at this time. Casualties here are still too high; everyone understands that. And that is precisely what makes you ideal."

"Well, if you're going fake it, why us?" Felix asked. "No offense, Louis, because I mean this about myself, too, but we're not exactly poster boys. Why not get Helo?"

"Or Skulls?" Louis asked.

"Narcho," Felix suggested. "A shot of him with his shirt off holding a baby would have all the women lined up for his sperm."

"How about that knuckledragger? That blond one with the longer hair?

"Stroud? Yeah, he'd be good. Very romance novel. Or Pison, the Marine?"

"Definitely. Oh, I know! Twillens. He's got that extremely rugged, masculine look. Or Peterson."

"Yes! Or-"

"Gentlemen," Roslin interrupted, tapping her pen against a pad that now had a few extra names on it, "as fascinating as I find your assessment of the men of the _Galactica_, they are not the ones I am approaching. I am asking the two of you precisely because you are not pinup boys. You are normal people, and that is exactly the message we want to send. Everyone is going to take part in this, even those that don't belong on a naked calendar."

"But-"

"I'm tired of this," Adama said. "The President has made her instructions clear. You two will do this, and that's an order. I'll have Helo and Dee cover your stations for the day. You're dismissed."

***

"You're not going to believe this," Galen told Cally. "They're turning the hangar deck into a photo shoot."

"For what?" Cally asked, washing Nicky's hands.

"Roslin's new in vitro campaign."

"They're shooting the posters on _Galactica_?" Cally asked.

"That's not the best part," Galen said, smirking. She looked at him, and he broke into a huge grin. "They got Gaeta and Hoshi to be the parents."

Cally gaped at him. "You're kidding," she said.

"No."

"Gaeta. And Hoshi. With a baby."

"Yup."

Cally considered him. "All right," she said finally. "How much are we charging for tickets?"

***

They'd expected the lights, the backdrop, and the people with the cameras, but neither Felix nor Louis had expected the audience standing along the catwalk, smiling down at them. "You've got to be kidding," Felix said, scanning the people.

Hot Dog waved.

Louis pulled his shirt up over his face. "I'm going to kill Roslin," he said. "Seriously. This _isn't_ funny."

"I'm right there with you. Think we can share a jail cell?"

"More like an airlock."

"Well then, it's been fun, gorgeous." Felix gently took Louis's wrist and nudged his shirt down. "Come on," he said, sighing. "It's a photo shoot, not a mug shot."

Hoshi let his shirt fall and grimaced. "Fine. Let's get this over with." They reluctantly approached the camera crew.

The assholes they called crewmates burst into applause.

A curly-haired man approached them. "I'm Chris Bell," he said, extending his hand first to Felix. "You're Gaeta, right? I remember you from that documentary I shot with the Cylon bitch. You're the one with the tattoo."

"Right. Good to see you again," Felix muttered.

"That would make you Hoshi." Bell turned to Louis, who had managed to straighten up and was studiously ignoring the audience. "Nice to meet you. I hear neither of you are too happy about this."

"Well, I…"

"We…"

Bell grinned. "Don't worry. We''ll make it as painless as possible." He surveyed them both. "Did you bring a change of clothing?"

Felix and Louis exchanged glances. "Why? Are we dressed wrong?" Louis asked. They were both in civilian clothing as ordered; Louis in jeans and a sweater, and Felix in cargos, a t-shirt, and an overshirt. "It's about all we've got."

"No, you're dressed fine," Bell said, "but babies… they can be a bit messy."

Felix narrowed his eyes. "What do you mean, a bit messy?"

"Leaks happen."

Felix considered that, turned on his heel and began to walk off. Louis caught him by the hem of his shirt and jerked him back.

"We'll improvise."

"Okay then." Bell waved, and a woman came over. She was holding a baby with slightly curly strawberry hair and blue eyes. He- at least, Felix assumed it was a he- tucked his head under his mother's chin and smiled at them around the fingers he had shoved in his mouth. When he smiled, there was a dimple in his left cheek.

"Okay," Felix admitted grudgingly. "He's really cute."

The baby smiled wider, and the mother laughed. "Just keep that up, sir," she said. "He's a sucker for anyone who will tell him how adorable he is." She extended her free hand. "I'm Mel, and this is Trevor."

"Nice to meet you."

"Shall we do this?" Bell asked. He gestured them all over towards the backdrop. "Gaeta, you stand here. Hoshi, you stand here. Face each other a little… right. Just like that. Now, who's holding the baby?"

"He is," they both said, pointing at each other.

From above, there was a laugh. Louis raised his hand and gave them all the finger.

"Not in front of the baby," Felix hissed.

"Felix, a baby doesn't know what I'm doing. How old is this pumpkin, anyway?"

"Thirteen months." Bell turned to Mel. "Why don't you give Trevor to Hoshi here?"

"Me? I-" but Louis was silenced as she held out the adorable package of drool.

Who, upon being placed in Louis's arms, immediately burst into tears.

"I didn't do anything!" Louis protested, holding the baby out awkwardly. Trevor only started howling louder. "What do I do? How do I make it stop?"

"Try holding _him_ against you," Felix suggested. Louis shifted him, but Trevor leaned over his arms, trying to get to his mother, howling loudly and tears starting to streak his face.

"This is not going to work," Louis said. "I'm going to drop him!"

Felix awkwardly grabbed Trevor under the armpits. "Here. I'll take him." He shifted the baby onto his hip, like he'd seen Cally do. Trevor's cries only increased.

"Bounce!" Tyrol shouted from above.

"Bounce?" Felix looked up. "I'm not going to jump up and down with a baby, you moron!"

"No," Mel laughed. She took Trevor from Felix. Immediately, the cries ceased, and as they did, Felix saw what Tyrol had meant as she soothed the baby. He snuffled, and she wiped his running nose with a well-worn rag.

"Maybe we should give Trevor some time to get used to them," she suggested.

"Or we could insert him electronically," Felix suggested.

"Yeah!" Louis jumped in. "We can get something about the same size- like a flour sack or something- and Felix and I can pose with that. She can hold the baby. And then a little cut and paste and photo manipulation and bang! Instant couple with a baby."

"Nice try, guys. But I've got my orders from the President." But Bell was grinning.

Felix narrowed his eyes. "Tyrol's giving you a cut of whatever he made off the tickets, isn't he?"

"Yes he is."

"Bastard. I hate you, you frakker!" he called upwards.

"Felix!" Louis glanced at Trevor, as if fully expecting him to say "fwakker!" But Trevor was busy playing with a worn stuffed animal his mother had produced.

"They don't talk much this young," she reassured them. She kicked a blanket out and set Trevor down. "Here. Sit down, I'll sit with you for a bit, and then I'll back away. He won't even know I'm gone."

***

"Where's Trevor? Where's Trevor? Peek-a-boo! There he is!"

The camera flashed, and predictably, Trevor started crying again. Both Felix and Louis groaned. "Come on, kid," Felix said, falling back on the blanket. "We've been at this for two hours."

Trevor crawled over to Louis, grabbed fistfuls of his sweater, and began to pull himself up. Louis wearily patted him on the head. "No more peek-a-boo, okay?" he begged. "Please? Can we do something different? How about we sing a song?"

"Ga!"

"Look. I can make your bunny dance again."

"Bada!" Trevor batted at the bunny.

"Come on. See?" Louis flipped the bunny back and forth. "The itsy bitsy spider went up-"

Trevor screamed and started to cry. Felix couldn't help it; he started laughing.

"Fine, you try," Louis said crossly. Trevor sat down heavily, grabbed Louis's hands, considered them, and then clapped them together.

"Looks like you have a new game," Felix pointed out.

Louis gave him a death glare. So did Trevor, who released Louis's hands and crawled over to Felix. Before Felix could sit up, Trevor pulled up on his stomach, looking directly into his face. He bounced at the knees, gurgling happily. Louis scooted over, and the flash went off again.

And Trevor immediately started crying.

"Do you smell something?" Felix asked.

"Oh, no."

The crowd on the catwalk had now thinned, but Tyrol was still there. "Hey," he shouted down, "ten cubits if you make them change the diaper!"

Trevor startled and looked up, and Mel came into view. He immediately started crying and reached for her. "I think you guys need a break," she said.

"You're not going to make us change the diaper?" Felix asked in relief.

"As appealing as the idea is, we've got another hour before he needs to nap, and I don't trust the two of you to not take the entire time figuring it out."

"Hey!" Felix said indignantly. "We're the guys who calculate the jumps, okay? We do non-linear differential equations-"

"Multiple integrals and logarithms-"

"Program the computers-"

"Run probability simulations-"

"In short, we're two of the smartest men in the Fleet. It would _not_ take us an hour to figure out how to change a diaper."

"Great." She held an increasingly stinky Trevor out to them. "Do it, then."

Trevor squealed and clapped.

Louis looked at Felix. "I hate you."

***

"Okay, I've got him cleaned."

"That wasn't so bad. Here. You missed a spot."

The camera flashed.

"Frak you!" they both shouted.

"Gabada bam," Trevor commented. He reached down and Felix intercepted his hand.

"No! No fondling yourself in front of the entire audience."

"Especially with how often you stick that hand in your mouth." Louis handed Felix the diaper. "Here you go."

"It's like origami," Felix muttered, sliding the diaper under the baby's butt. "Put your feet down." Amazingly, Trevor obeyed. "Huh. Got the pins, Louis?"

It wasn't hard to fold the diaper up, or to put the pins in. Trevor was remarkably calm, but then, Felix realized, he was used to this. And really, for all the talk about how awful diapers were, they weren't that bad. At least you knew what was _wrong_ and could fix it. He pulled on Trevor's pants and picked him up.

"There now," he said, grinning triumphantly. "See? We did it with no help whatsoever, and- what the frak?" His stomach was suddenly warm and wet, and Trevor was smiling. "Take him," he demanded to Louis, holding the baby out. Sure enough, his shirt was soaked.

"You've got to be kidding me!"

Mel appeared beside him. "Did you make sure he was pointing down?" she asked.

"Pointing down?"

"His penis. If you don't make sure it's pointing down- or not out of the diaper- the diapers leak." She took him calmly. "I'll change him. You'd better change yourself, genius."

Felix shook his head and stormed off.

***

"I ought to feed him while Felix is changing," Mel said.

"Do you need help?" Louis offered, following her to a relatively isolated spot under the catwalk.

"Not unless you have a set of mammary glands." Mel sat down, hitched up her top and managed to get Trevor attached, somehow without flashing much skin. Louis politely averted his eyes once he realized what she was doing.

"I can go somewhere else."

"No, that's fine. Believe me, it's kind of nice to have adult conversation that doesn't revolve around tylium reserves."

"Is that what you do?"

"Yes." Mel sighed and shifted.

"It must be hard on your own."

"On my own?" Mel laughed. "Louis, the in vitro fairy you guys are advertising didn't visit me. My husband's alive and well."

"Oh. _Oh._" He laughed, and then sobered up. "It's really sad when you assume that a woman's marital status is widowed. Where's your husband?"

"He's over on the _Ha Te Khan_, working. Or keeping an eye on our older son."

"You have two? That sounds… exhausting."

Mel laughed. "You guys are doing better than you think."

"Really."

She shrugged. "People assume parenting is all instinct. It's not. When my first son was born… I remember them releasing me from the sick bay, and all I could think was that they were really letting me take this little person home? I had no clue what I was doing, and I really didn't think I could keep him alive. But… we had help. Lots of help, as it turned out."

"How old is your first son?" Louis asked.

Mel smiled sadly. "A little over three years. He was the first baby born in the Fleet after the attacks." She righted Trevor, put him over her shoulder, and patted his back until he let out a huge burp. "I've been lucky." She kissed Trevor on the head. "I hope everyone who wants this will be as fortunate as we've been."

"Yeah," Louis said finally. "I hope so, too."

***

"Gaeta goes deep! Hoshi dodges the opposition, a skillful move of the likes we haven't seen before in this sport's history! The crowd goes wild! He passes to Gaeta-"

Louis transferred a wildly giggling Trevor into Felix's arms. Felix twirled around, the baby laying back and squealing happily. "Gaeta shoots! He scores! The buzzer goes off, and the Scorpions win!" He tossed Trevor up into the air. Trevor shrieked with laughter, and Felix did it again and again.

"Okay, buddy," he finally said, bringing the baby down against his chest. "Let's calm down before my back gives out, okay?" Trevor was still giggling, and Felix kissed him on the forehead. Louis stepped beside them, his arm around Felix.

The camera flashed.

***

"Mr. Hoshi. Mr. Gaeta." The Admiral was grinning. "Please join me in my quarters. I have something to show you."

Felix and Louis both willingly set aside their algae and followed the Admiral. "This isn't star charts, is it, sir?" Felix asked.

"No." Adama opened the hatch, and Roslin was waiting as well, smiling as she greeted them. Bell was standing beside her, in a shirt and tie and an ill-fitting jacket. There were six posters set up on easels.

"Well?" Bell asked.

Two of the pictures were the promised lesbian couple and two were the elderly couple. Smiles, cheerful slogans advertising patriotic duty and new hope, and veiled orders. And the two of them.

On one poster, Louis was playing peek-a-boo with Trevor as Felix looked on, laughing. The other was a closer shot, with Felix kissing Trevor's forehead and Louis smiling at them both. The funny thing was, they did look like a happy family.

"Thank you, Mr. Gaeta, Mr. Hoshi," the President said. "These are the exact sort of images we were looking for."

"You're welcome." Felix was staring at the pictures, his head cocked. Louis was staring at Felix.

"I have copies for you, if you'd like them." Bell extended smaller versions of the pictures. Felix didn't really answer- he was too busy looking at the posters- but Louis took them gratefully.

"Thanks," he said quietly.

Bell grinned at him, and then nodded at Felix, who had reached out and touched one of the pictures. "You're welcome. Enjoy."

***

Louis stared at the pictures for a long time. The happiness on Felix's face, the look that almost looked like love, even though it had been so early. The baby he hadn't seen since that day, but he hoped was doing well. Maybe someday, when they found a new home, he'd see the kid again.

The pictures were just a fantasy. He knew that. But right before Felix had left on that damn _Demetrius_ mission, they'd talked about that maybe, some day far down the line, they could make them real. It hadn't been a promise, it hadn't even been a plan… just an indication that they might want the same things. Just another indication that this might work.

He took the picture of himself playing peek-a-boo with Trevor and tore it, so Felix was out of it. He slipped the half with himself and Trevor into his pocket, and stared one more time at Felix's half. He looked so young, so happy… so whole.

He sighed, and then pinned the picture to the wall, with all the other faces, all the other broken dreams. He looked one more time at the close shot of the three of them together and put it in his pocket, and then turned around and left the hallway.


End file.
